I refuse to acknowledge the people who created this meme.
Bold all things that apply to you.
1. Father went to college 2. Father finished college 3. Mother went to college 4. Mother finished college 5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor 6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers. 7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home. 8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home. 9. Were read children's books by a parent. 10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18. 11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18 12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively. 13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18. 14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs. 15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs. 16. Went to a private high school. 17. Went to summer camp. 18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18 19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels. 20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them 22. There was original art in your house when you were a child 23. You and your family lived in a single-family house. 24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home. 25. You had your own room as a child. 26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18 27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course. 28. Had your own TV in your room in high school 29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college 30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16 31. Went on a cruise with your family. 32. Went on more than one cruise with your family 33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up. 34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family
this started out as a comment in mac's journal but colleen rightly pointed out that i was writing so much that i might as well post it in my own. so here it is, inspired by mac's post about the flavor flav roast:
i've spent a great deal of time watching the available youtube clips of the flavor flav roast (i don't have cable), and i've come to the conclusion that the bizarre realignment of the universe responsible for jimmy kimmel being funnier than patton oswalt was essentially caused by the fact that patton is, when you get right down to it, a pussy, self-loathing, bleeding heart liberal and thus not only unsuited to a roast in generral but especially unsuited to roasting a black guy. he just didn't go for the jugular the way jimmy kimmel and greg giraldo did and that made him less effective, though he did have his moments.
my rankings of the roasters, based on who i've been able to see on youtube:
SPOILER WARNING
- brigitte nielsen: uh, yeah. 0/10
- snoop dogg: also terrible. gets a point for admitting to being high, and a point for his sort-of-funny rap. 2/10 (as an aside, were people afraid snoop was going to pop a cap in their ass if they made fun of him? it seemed like the only stuff people made fun of him for were things he is actually proud of, e.g., smoking pot and being violent. disappointing, but then again who knows, maybe he would have popped a cap in their ass.)
- lisa lampanelli: much, much funnier as the butt of the other roasters' jokes than as a roaster herself. she gets an extra point for being the target of some of the funniest lines of the night. 4/10
- carrot top: surprisingly not terrible until he pulled out the props. not sure whether he was just pretending to be pissed off or he really was (you can definitely see him saying "motherfucker" when giraldo calls him a "big, ghoulish woman"), but his angry demeanor when he went onstage worked for me. then the props came out. 4/10
- patton oswalt: see above. he did have his moments, particularly the "tiny little pimp in a thimble" song and the extended meditation on brigitte nielsen's vagina, easily the best "brigitte nielsen's vagina" joke of the night. (there's a phrase i never thought i'd type.) 5/10
- sommore: i'd never heard of this woman but she had some really good jokes. i thought her "to catch a predator" joke was the best dig anyone took at patton, and the magic johnson joke was brutal and hilarious. overall nothing hugely special, but funny enough. 7/10
- katt williams: what can i say, i'm a fan of dry humor. and he looks like the cutest little pimp on the planet. 8/10
- greg giraldo: jesus christ this guy was hilarious. again, no idea who he is, but he completely destroyed. the line about flav looking like 'idi amin after a three-year crack binge on the sun" was priceless, as were the jokes about soul plane being such an embarassment to black people that brigitte nielsen tried to fuck it and ice-t being so old that the first thing he bought with his record contract money was his freedom. 9/10
- jimmy kimmel: what. the . fuck. how did this happen? how did jimmy kimmel end up the funniest person at the flavor flav roast? do i have to completely re-evaluate my opinion of him? except for the awkward dig at mind of mencia (don't get me wrong, carlos mencia isn't funny at all, but it was still an awkward joke), he was flawless. the joke about ron jeremy being there to support his twin brother, lisa lampanelli (made even funnier by the fact that ms. lampanelli does in fact bear resemblance to the hedgehog), the confrontation with the flavor of love girls ("where was i before i was interrupted by those whores?"), "flavor flav is so skinny and black, he looks like a make-a-wish kid whose last request was to try on a wetsuit," and the two funniest, most fearless jokes of the night: "flavor flav is responsible for more homeless black children than hurricane katrina" and "chris benoit is a better father than flavor flav." completely unexpected and amazing. 10/10
wow what a waste of time that was. i haven't eaten breakfast yet but i have time for this shit.
i already posted this to myspace but just in case, some friends of mine from a rival promo company are in need of a place to stay. they are nice, trustworthy, and they will pay you for it, so let me know if you or anyone you know is interested in renting out your place.
attention would-be music critics and journalists STOP please stop dropping the term "C86" as if you have an intimate knowledge of the "genre" STOP you and i both know you heard about it last year STOP maybe even last month STOP i hate you all END
I hate the recent resurgence of Hall & Oates as a hipster guilty pleasure as much as anyone.
That said:
How could I possibly turn this down considering that it has a fucking Arthur Baker dub remix of "Out of Touch"? And it came out to less than a dollar! Why am I not listening to this right now????
Other gems from Cake Shop's eight-for-five salestravaganza: Los Lobos - How Will the Wolf Survive? The C(om).S(at). Angels - Chasing Shadows Magnetophone - "Kel's Vintage Thought" Roger McGuinn & Chris Hillman feat. Gene Clark - City Elton John - Greatest Hits Volume II (featuring "The Bitch Is Back"!!) Peter Case - "Selections from Peter Case" promo single Howard Devoto - "Rainy Season" promo single Drain - Pick Up Heaven Scritti Politti - "Hypnotize" John Fogerty - Centerfield The Dream Academy - S/T David Banner - "Like a Pimp" b/w "Might Getcha" The Eurythmics - "Missionary Man" John Cougar - American Fool
One awesome thing about living in New York: being able to go into a local bar and see men's room graffiti talking shit about Dictators lead singer "Handsome" Dick Manitoba.
"Handsome Dick: Not just a cock block, but cock ruination."
Thank you, guy with the motorcycle helmet. Your validation was all I needed.
DJing last night was ridiculously fun; I'm almost embarassed by how much I loved the simple act of taking records and playing them for an audience of, at peak, probably thirty people. It probably helped that I was drinking steadily from around 9PM. A few minor mishaps can be chalked up to that, and to the fact that I hadn't DJed in almost a year. Still, fun times. Can't wait for the next time.
1. Turn on your favorite media player and turn your shuffle feature on.
2. Hit "play" and keep track of the next 10 songs that come up. (If you have iTunes, you can make a smart playlist that will automatically list your most recently played selections.)
3. Post your 10 shuffled songs, along with these instructions. You are not allowed to lie, omit tracks or otherwise try to make your musical taste seem hipper than it actually is.
1. Califone - "Rocks Off": Rolling Stones cover from a tour-only CD. It resides on my computer thanks to the magic of the Internet. 2. Naked City - "Bonehead": I go back and forth on the John Zorn Question but I still enjoy Naked City from time to time. 3. Laura Henton - "He's Coming Soon": From the Goodbye, Babylon compilation. 4. Wire - "Mannequin": One of the nice things about my job is that every once in a while the boss will just be like, "Here's a copy of the new Wire box set. I asked Colin Newman for a few and this one is yours." DId I mention that they hired me at AAM? Because they did. 5. The Germs - "What We Do Is Secret" 6. Conlon Nancarrow - "Study for Player Piano No. 49b": In which my iTunes becomes haunted by the spirit of Erich Ragsdale. 7. Harry Partch - "The Letter": See #6. 8. Yo La Tengo - "The Love Life of the Octopus" 9. B. Fleischmann - "The Blessed" 10. Gang of Four - "Natural's Not In It"
"Most of the band has never heard that song." -- Warn Defever of His Name Is Alive after I requested "Baby Fish Mouth" last night.
I hadn't planned to go to Jersey for His Name Is Alive's show at Maxwell's, but such was the power of their Mercury Lounge performance that I was stuck for a good reason not to catch the PATH to Hoboken and see them a second time. The New Jersey faithful were less than impressive; "sparsely-attended" or "intimate"? You make the call. All I know is that Nomo mainman Elliot Bergman requested that the crowd move closer to the stage so it would "look like there are more of you than there are of us."
Now I have a little electric thumb piano. I'm gonna plug it into my computer and I'm gonna jam.
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